Introducing Delete-Everything Verifiably Null Universally Lossy Logarithm Encryption

Every few generations, humanity is lucky enough to live through a breakthrough moment. Today is that moment.

DEVNULL is remarkably simple in nature yet extremely effective at protecting data. In fact it’s so secure that once you use it your data will be forever “protected” from everyone, including yourself.

DEVNULL works by taking your data and applying a sophisticated form of encryption commonly known as “discarding”. And by that we mean deleting it instantly. We have thoroughly tested DEVNULL, and we can confirm it is 100% effective against hackers, attackers, and spies. Not even you will be able to access your data. It’s just that strong!

The best features of DEVNULL are outlined below:

  • No one will ever get your data, not even you, because we delete it instantly.
  • Simplified user interface. All ‘Save’ and ‘Send’ buttons replaced with ‘Delete’.
  • Super fast because it just deletes what you wrote.
  • Ultimate security – nobody can get your data because it does not exist.
  • Our server never sees (or receives) anything.
  • Forgot your password? No problem, nothing is in your inbox anyway.
  • Great for our server scaling, as DEVNULL has an infinite compression ratio.
  • Enjoy up to 100 TB of free account storage.
  • Automatically extends the EU’s ‘right to be forgotten’ to your emails.

The steam engine. The Internet itself. And now DEVNULL. This is one of the great moments in history, and understandably we’ve gotten a few questions from the community. We’ve created a FAQ to answer the most common questions:

Who thought this was a good idea?
The genius who came up with DEVNULL prefers to remain anonymous within our organization to avoid overwhelming celebrity. DEVNULL is a selfless gift to the world.

Can I use DEVNULL at work?
With DEVNULL, you’ll spend much less time checking your email. Contact our sales team if you think DEVNULL for business is right for your workplace.

Is DEVNULL open-source? Can we use it for our project?
DEVNULL is open source and free for the world to use. Its simplicity is truly remarkable:

userData >> /dev/null

If you would like to join the DEVNULL beta, just post a tweet stating how you would use DEVNULL with the hashtag #aprilfools. Then we’ll send you an email using DEVNULL with installation instructions. If you do not receive the email, it means the encryption is working.

Best Regards,
The ProtonMail Team

About the Author

Proton Team

Proton was founded by scientists who met at CERN and had the idea that an internet where privacy is the default is essential to preserving freedom. Our team of developers, engineers, and designers from all over the world is working to provide you with secure ways to be in control of your online data.

 

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39 comments on “Introducing Delete-Everything Verifiably Null Universally Lossy Logarithm Encryption

  • Was that a joke??? I’ve been a very expensive subscriber but NOT ANYMORE!!! unsubscribe

  • Not sure whether you should joke about encryption that includes data loss. But that might be just my opinion.

  • Your encripted system is being used for bulling. A lot of people are receiving e-mails from Protocolo Technologies ruining the life of innocent people.

    • Me too :-) Hook, line and sinker :-) I had no idea what they were talking about, so I thought it was too advanced for me. (zero unix/linux experience.)

  • April Fools jokes are really stupid to begin with, but they are also inexcusable when they are associated with a business and there is a chance someone will believe them. This is ridiculous.

  • Here is a copy of the very important message I wrote to you: ”

    Now it’s your turn.

    PS Please make work of the calendar!

  • Is there a possibility to actually delete an account and all the mails from protonmail servers instantly? Because, as far as I understand swiss law, you are not allowed to do so, and have to keep stuff for a couple of months and hand it over to authorities if they request it…..

    • “Data Retention

      When a ProtonMail account is closed, data is immediately deleted from production servers. Active accounts will have data retained indefinitely. Deleted emails are also instantly deleted from production servers. Deleted data may be retained in our backups for up to 14 days.”

      Read more about this in our privacy policy: https://protonmail.com/privacy-policy

  • Having experienced targeted attack myself (still observe them) I went to protonmail for refuge to protect my communication and privacy so this is very serious for me. In saying this, I also appreciate that you can’t take everything too seriously. You got me there, I almost fell for it. You guys are doing great work!!!

  • While I laughed at the post back in April, I believe you guys could remove this one now. People can get confused & mad over nothing.

  • Please do keep this excellent joke without listening to too serious people requiring its removal : your paper is worth *The Journal of Irreproducible Results* and *The Annals of Improbable Research* !
    This industry *can* stand a little high-quality humor.
    Waiting for your next one next year. ;-)

  • Lol I was reading this today (July 1st) and the title really captivated me. Then I started to read and it made zero sense. So I thought to myself, it is possible that this was written on April 1st? I looked up and I was right. Good job

  • Absolutely brilliant! Recently I responded to a security RFP from Trump Enterprises for a new US based property. I positioned DEVNULL, as depicted and articulated, as the only true solution in the US due to the increasing loss of freedoms and illegal spying by government agencies and LE. I demoed the technology as per your instructions (#aprilfools via twitter) and low and behold all worked as specified! I recommended that details of this demo along with a copy of the RFP be given to President Trump so the US Government could take advantage of the strongest encryption algorithm every conceived. Trump personnel were impressed and I am waiting for a US Government response. :)

    P.s: I nominate ProtonMail for a Noble Peace Prize

  • Please do NOT remove this post! It is very well written and posses no issues at all.